


Breathe (Until Tomorrow)

by Cherrys_Criminal_Mind



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:31:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5322311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind/pseuds/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*This was a request from my tumblr for a fic with Spencer dealing with his dilaudid addiction.*</p><p>The reader fears something is wrong when her boyfriend Spencer Reid starts acting strangely. </p><p>She wasn't expecting to find that he'd slipped back into old habits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your boyfriend had been acting strange. When he was away on cases he barely called anymore. When he was at home, he hardly touched you. His moods switched so quickly from happy, to angry and sad and you didn’t know where you stood anymore.

You knew he’d had a particularly hard case seven weeks ago. One of his team mates had been shot and he blamed himself as he was with them at the time. She’d pulled through but it was touch and go for a while. Three children had also died, and again he blamed himself for not picking up on what he deemed a vital clue. 

You’d tried to speak to him about how he was acting towards you, but he’d shut you down, leading to you having screaming arguments in the middle of his apartment, you generally storming out in anger. This is what had happened ten minutes ago and now you were walking the short distance back to your apartment, tears streaming down your face. 

He’d text you earlier telling you he was back from the latest case and you’d gone round to see him. He’d been away for eight days yet when you’d unlocked his front door he’d not even moved from his seat on the couch. 

You’d moved to hug him, his arms remaining limply at his side. “What’s wrong Spencer? I’ve missed you.” You’d whispered knowing you weren’t going to get a straight answer. 

“Nothing. I’ve missed you too Y/N.” he’d replied, his voice monotone. 

“Then act like it.”

His mood had flipped then him moving suddenly to you, lips crashing against yours. The kiss took your breath away as they always did but you weren’t prepared for him pushing you down against his couch starting to tear at your top. 

“Spencer… SPENCER. Stop it.” You pushed him back forcefully. It’s not that you didn’t want to, but you needed to talk first.

“WHAT? I’m showing you how much I missed you.” He wiped the back of his mouth with his hand angrily. 

“We need to talk. You’ve hardly spoke to me recently. And you’re different.” You scared to say the next sentence but you did it anyway, speaking the words softly. “Do you not love me anymore?“ 

His eyes snapped up to yours. "Is that what you think?" 

"It’s the only conclusion I can come to. You ask me over but you barely speak to me, you rarely call or text me when your away and….. And up until now, you’ve showed no interest in wanting to have sex with me. Is there someone else?” You could feel the tears welling. 

“There’s no one else. And I do love you. I’m sorry." 

"I don’t want sorry Spencer. I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong. Why can’t you just accept that?”

His voice was starting to rise already. 

“Because I know you Spencer. We’ve been together for fifteen months now. I know when somethings wrong.”

You went round and round like this for twenty minutes, him denying there was anything wrong and you calling him a liar. 

In the end something snapped inside you and you stood up grabbing your bag. 

“You know what Reid? Fuck this. I love you with all my heart but I’m done.”

“Done? You’re done? What does that even mean?”

You were stood facing each other now, you wiping away the tears that had begin to fall. 

“I’m done with this. You call yourself my boyfriend but you can’t bring yourself to trust in me when somethings wrong. You’ve treated me like crap for the past seven weeks. I get that your job is stressful and painful at times, but as your partner it’s my job to help you with that. And you… You won’t let me.”

“I don’t want to be with someone like that. I’m out.”

You didn’t even stay to hear his response, you just walked out slamming his door shut behind you. 

You were halfway home before you realised you’d left your phone on the table next to his couch. 

Fuck. 

You deliberated with yourself for a good few minutes before deciding that yes you did need to go back and get it, because no you could not justify forking out for a new one just because you didn’t really want to see him right now. 

Turning around you trecked back to his apartment glad you’d actually not left his key behind. Hopefully he’d be crying in his bed room or something and you could just slip in and back out again. But given how he’d been acting towards you lately, he’d probably have another girl around already. 

You opened his door as quietly as you could. Good. He wasn’t in the living room. Tip toeing across the the room you grabbed your phone, seeing that his bedroom door was open. 

You could see him sat on the floor beside his bed leaning against it. His eyes were closed, and his shirt sleeves rolled up which they hadn’t been when you’d left. 

Spotting some objects on the floor next to him, you felt your heart sink. 

He wouldn’t be? 

He couldn’t be? 

He knew all about your older sister. How she’d overdosed when you were 14 and how it had torn your family apart. 

But you also knew about his own past, him promising you that he was clean. 

He just….He couldn’t. Right? 

And yet, it made sense. It explained the way he’d been acting. It explained his coldness towards you, his indifference. It explained why you’d not seen him in short sleeves for the past few weeks. 

You walked closer quietly, wanting to confirm your suspicion but also terrified that you were right. 

An old wash bag. 

Needles. 

Small glass vials. 

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD”

He jolted, his eyes opening looking at you then down at the objects at his side. 

“YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD.”

“No. No no no. I haven’t Y/N. I swear. Look at my eyes. I haven’t.” He scrambled up off the floor coming towards you, his arms reaching out to touch you. 

You stepped back. “Do not fucking touch me Spencer Reid. You’re a lying piece of shit. I can see the needle pricks on your arm.”

Others will have missed them but you’d seen them every day for two years when your sister had been living at home, breaking promise after promise that she’d get clean. 

“They’re old. I swear it.”

You lunged forward, grabbing his arm and inspecting it. 

“LIAR!”

You started pointing out the tiny red, almost invisible dots. 

“That one’s not, nor is that one. I know every inch of your body Spencer. Don’t fucking lie to me. How long? When did you last do it.”

You were seething. Every ounce of love you had for him was boiling into hatred right then. 

He hesitated yanking his arm free.“Yesterday. I wanted to tonight, after you stormed out but I couldn’t.”

“Yesterday? When you were on the job?” You couldn’t believe he’d be stupid enough to risk his career. 

He had the decency to look sheepish “We er…. We got home last night. Not today like I told you.”

THWACK 

You heard your palm connect with his face before you felt it.

“I’m sorry Y/N. You were never meant to find out.” He was rubbing his jaw. 

“When did it start?” You spat out at him. 

“After the case. I just…. I just needed to feel numb. Everything that went wrong on that case went wrong because of me. I couldn’t sleep, there was too much pain in my mind. It was all my fault.”

“So instead of turning to your girlfriend, the person who loves you more than anything in the world, you turn to THIS?”

“I just didn’t… I didn’t think you’d understand. You don’t know how it felt watching my partner get shot in front of me. How it felt feeling her blood rushing through my fingers as I fought to keep her alive. It was my fault. My fault she almost died. My fault those kids died.”

“You’re right Spencer. I don’t understand. But it’s my job to learn how to. It’s my job to be there for you. I would’ve made myself understand. I would have helped you. I would have done anything for you.”

“Would have?” His eyes were sad. 

“Would have. Not now. Not after this. I’m going. I’ll leave you to your little fix.” You hissed out the word fix your eyes narrowing. 

“I wasn’t going to Y/N. I wanted to, I needed to. But it finally hit me, that I was pushing you away. I’m sorry. I need you so much. Please don’t leave me Y/N. Please don’t do this to me.” He was begging now, the most emotion he’d shown you in weeks. 

“I begged my sister not to leave me Spencer. I begged her to quit. I begged her not to poison herself.”

“You’re not pushing me away Spencer. You’ve pushed me away. There’s a difference.”

You turned, walking out and slamming his door for the second time that night.

……


	2. Chapter 2

Two days had passed by. Two days of you calling in sick to work. Two days of sobbing into your pillow. Two days of crappy take out food and vodka. 

Two days without Spencer Reid, the love of your life. 

You needed to get a grip. He didn’t deserve you after what he’d done. Everytime you thought about it, you wanted to walk back round to his apartment and beat the living shit out of him. But you figured, he was clearly intent on ruining his own life so you’d just leave him to it. 

You’d move on. First step was getting out of the clothes you were wearing. When you’d returned home from his apartment you’d just grabbed supplies from your kitchen and fallen into bed, only moving to go to the bathroom and to answer the door to the delivery guys. You smelt rank, your hair greasy as fuck and your make up ingrained into your face. 

Fed up of Netflix asking if you were still watching you clicked it off hauling yourself out of bed, empty tissue boxes falling to the floor. You needed air, you needed to get out of your apartment. It was 8pm and there was a late opening supermarket near by. Needing more food anyway you dragged yourself into your shower washing the grime away. 

You blasted your hair with your blow dryer, pulling on some clean clothes and retrieving your phone from the corner of your bedroom where you’d thrown it two days ago. 

Clicking it on, a slew of texts messages came through. You didn’t even read the ones from Spencer, just hitting delete. 

It was only when you saw one from Penelope Garcia, his friend and work colleague that you started to worry. 

“Is Spencer okay? Hotch says he’s out ill but he’s not answering his phone to me or Morgan.”

You text her back. “When did Hotch last speak to him. I’m sure he’s fine, I’ve been ill too.” Lying through your teeth. 

“Two days ago.”

You didn’t want to care but it was very un Spencer like to ignore his friends. Still, a lot of things he’d done recently were very un Spencer like.

You called him, intending on hanging up once he answered. You just needed to make sure he hadn’t……….Hadn’t done anything stupid. 

Voicemail. Trying his landline you started pulling on your shoes. No answer. 

Fuck fuck fuck. 

Grabbing your bag you headed out, sprinting to his apartment fearing the worst. You still had his key, forgetting to leave it when you’d stormed out effectively ending your relationship. 

Reaching his door, you started knocking loudly not wanting to just let yourself in. You could hear his TV on but no sounds of movement. 

Fearing the absolute worst you unlocked his door, pushing it open. 

The stench hit you first. Stale sweat and vomit. The room was dark, his shades drawn and you could see towels and water bottles strewn over his living room floor. 

A shape huddled on his couch, wrapped in a blanket. You couldn’t tell if it was moving or not. 

Stepping into the room you started to walk towards it. Please please please, you begged silently. 

“Y/N?” Barely a whisper. 

Oh thank fuck. As much as you hated him, you didn’t think you could have coped if…… 

“What are doing here?” His words were shaky, his mouth thick. As you inched closer you could see he was pale and clammy, dressed in the same clothes he’d been wearing when you’d left him. His hair was matted to his face and he was clutching an old hoody of yours you’d left there previously. There was a bucket at his side, obviously the source of the vomit smell. 

“Garcia text me. She was worried about you. When you didn’t answer your phone to me I thought, well I thought you’d took too much Spencer.”

He shook his head “I haven’t taken any… I’ve thrown it out. You leaving me was the wake up I needed. I’m so sorry Y/N. So so sorry.”

Tears started to fall from his eyes, a small sob leaving his chest. Part of you wanted to move to comfort him but you couldn’t.

You realised now that the paleness, the sweat and the vomit were all signs of withdrawal. Someone going cold turkey. Remembering from your sister, the first few days were the worst and he’d been doing this alone. 

“I love you so much Y/N. I know I was a coward. I should have talked to you instead of hiding inside my own head. I’ve lost you and I… I don’t know what to do.”

He looked so pitiful, his shoulders shaking as he cried. 

“Getting clean is the first step Spencer.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I won’t ever touch it again I swear it. Just please… Don’t leave me. I can’t do this alone.”

You thought about what he was asking of you, before making a decision. “I’ll stay. But only until tomorrow. The worst should be over by then.”

He nodded at you gratefully, hope in his eyes. 

“Nothings changed though Reid. I’m still out.”

Another sob racked through his chest, tearing at your emotions. You couldn’t listen to him, so you moved to his kitchen looking for some food. He needed to eat and so did you. 

Finding some soup and crackers, you heated up two bowls, searching his drawers for bin bags and antibacterial spray as you did. 

Assembling the food on a tray you walked over handing them to him. “Eat Spencer. You need sustenance.”

You perched on a chair on the other side of the room eating yours watching him carefully. His hand was shaking slightly as he lifted the spoon to his mouth soup spilling. You should help him. 

But you couldn’t bring yourself to go near him yet. 

It took him thirty minutes to finish, him retching every so often but managing to keep the soup down. Taking the tray away, you left them in the kitchen counter. You’d load the dishwasher tomorrow. 

Okay, so you’d fed him. Now to get him clean. He stank of dried sweat, the toxins seeping through his pores and settling on his skin. A bath would help him feel a bit more human or at the very least, make him smell better. 

You started running a bath, gathering up clean towels and calling him to come through. He shuffled in, still wrapped in his blanket, still clutching your hoody. 

“Strip Spencer and get in. You stink and your clothes and that blanket need washing. I’ll come back in a minute to get your clothes.”

You’d seen him naked a million times but you still left the room, returning a few minutes later to grab his clothes. 

He was sat hunched in the tub, arms wrapped around his knees. “Please don’t wash the hoody. It smells like you.”

You nodded, hanging it up on the back of the door but taking everything else, bundling it into his washing machine and grabbing some bottles of water out of his fridge. 

It was starting to get late now and although you’d spent the last few days in bed, the emotions were taking their toll on you. You’d had every intention of cleaning up, but that could wait until tomorrow. You checked his bedroom. His sheets still looked and smelt relatively clean, him obviously having slept on his couch since you’d left and you still had some clothing and toiletries in a drawer. 

You changed into a pair of pajamas, pulling out a clean pair for Spencer as well and taking them back into his bathroom. He still hadn’t made any move to clean himself, sat in the same huddled position as before. You sighed, going back into his kitchen and fetching a jug and the settling on the side of the bath tub. 

You quickly but gently, washed his hair using the jug to tip water down him washing the suds off. His eyes were focused on you watching your every move, fresh tears falling every so often. 

“Stop crying Spencer please.” You weren’t trying to be mean, it was just breaking your own heart even more. 

“I’m sorry…. I just can’t believe I’ve fucked this up so badly. I love you so much.”

You ignored his words, lathering his back and front with shower gel and a flannel instead. When you were satisfied he was clean you handed him a towel telling him to dry and get dressed, leaving him and getting into his bed. 

You didn’t particularly want to share his bed, but you needed to clear his couch and you just couldn’t be bothered. You sent Penelope a quick message just saying that Spencer was fine and that he had the flu. She’d find out soon enough about your break up, not that you’d be able to tell her the real reason why.  

Spencer joined you in bed a few minutes later, you rolling onto your side making sure there was a good few inches of space between you. You didn’t want to give him any ideas. 

You both slept on and off, waking at around 4am. You’d rolled back to the middle of the bed in your sleep and Spencer had thrown his arm around you. He woke up as you were trying to lift it off you. 

“Y/N?”

“Hmmmm”

“Can I explain?”

Did you want to give him the chance to? 

You nodded and you spent the next few hours listening, a lot of crying from both of you and a lot of talking from him as he tried to explain what had made him do it. 

In a way, you understood him. You’d experienced pain and the feelings of blame before. You’d had times where you wished you could feel nothing, and times when you felt like you were nothing. But the most you’d done was drink into oblivion and then pick yourself back up the next day. When your sister had overdosed you’d spent a good while in therapy and the one thing you’d taken away was that you had to learn to breathe through the pain. To just slow down and count your breaths and to remember that today was just one day. If there was no hope for today, there was always tomorrow. She’d told you to talk to your loved ones and that was all you’d wanted Spencer to do. Talk to you and tell you what was wrong, and you’d have been there for him helping him in anyway you could. 

He asked you for a hug and you’d finally gave in, permitting him to touch you again. His skin was less clammy today, although you could tell he’d been sweating over night, the sheets slightly damp on his side. That was good though. Hopefully the toxins were finally out. His voice was gaining more strength seeming less shaky and he whilst he was still pale, he had a bit more colour to him. 

You were growing hungry so after a while you nudged him away going in search of food. You found a loaf of bread in his freezer using it to make toast and taking it back to him in bed. 

You were going to have to get some supplies in for him before you left to go home. Because you were going home. You’d told him that yesterday. 

When you’d finished eating you kicked him out of his bed, telling him to go and have another bath whilst you changed his bed sheets. When you done that, you set about cleaning his living room and kitchen, opening the windows and emptying the rank bucket that was still by his couch, washing it out with bleach. You filled his dishwasher and went about spraying the surfaces with antibacterial spray, wiping them down. 

You heard the bath water drain and gave him a few minutes to change before going into his room. 

“I’m gonna have a quick bath here and then head out Spencer. I’ll get some groceries in for you before I go home okay.”

His face dropped “Home?" 

You nodded. He looked sullen as he nodded back before rolling over back into his bed. You could see his shoulders shaking again trying to hold in tears. 

Pulling another towel from his closet you headed to his bathroom, a photo on his dresser catching your eye. The two of you, taken at Penelopes birthday party earlier in the year. You loved that photo of you, everyone who’d seen it had always commented how much you suited each other and how in love you looked. 

Drawing yourself a hot bath, you sank beneath the bubbles, your own tears now mingling with the water. 

Although you understood him more, you still hated him for what he’d done to himself and to you. 

But you loved him more than you hated him. You loved him so much it hurt you thinking that you were going to leave him today and not see him again. 

Did he deserve another chance? Could you give him one more chance? 

Finishing up in the bath and wrapping a towel around your torso you went back into his bedroom. Rather than getting dressed you pulled out a pair of panties and another vest top that you still had there, climbing back into bed. 

"You’re still here?” His voice hopefully. 

You were. You knew you wouldn’t leave now. Spencer Reid was the drug you were addicted to. 

“One chance Spencer. If you fuck this up, you will never see me again.”

He turned back around so he could face you. “I promise. I won’t. I realise now I have too much to lose.”

Feeling sleepy again even though it was still only midday you settled back down on the bed, this time not moving his arm when it wrapped around your middle. 

“I love you so much Y/N.”

You hesitated before responding with “I do love you too Spencer, and that’s why I’m still here. But I don’t particularly like you very much at this moment.”

“I know.” He whispered burying his head into your hair. 

You both dozed off again. You’d got too warm at some point during your sleep and had pulled your vest off, it not meaning anything other than you were too warm. 

When you woke up, you could feel Spencers breath against your bare back, his arm still locked tightly around your waist. 

You could tell he was awake by the rhyme of his breathing so you asked quietly “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better now, almost like myself again.”

“Good." 

"I’ve really missed you Y/N.”

When his hand started stroking across your tummy you caught what he meant. This is what he normally did when he wanted morning sex. It kinda felt inappropriate given the last few days but you’d missed him too. 

You wiggled your butt against him slightly letting him know you understood and his hand moved up to your chest, grazing against your nipples. His mouth connected with your neck, nipping and sucking in the places he knew would elicit a response from you. And he did, you’d missed the feeling of his mouth and hands on you so much and the moan that left your mouth was much louder than you’d anticipated. 

He gripped your hips pulling your ass close to him, you feeling him hard already. His hand brushing the sides of your panties, he whispered into your neck “Can I?" 

You nodded using your own hands to help push them down and off. Still lying with your back to his front, he gripped your leg pulling it back so it was hooked over his own giving him better access you. 

Normally, he’d tease you now. Touching everywhere except where you wanted him to until you begged. Today though, his hand went straight to your center, you whimpering as his fingers pressed against your clit, circling and rolling it, alternating between light and then more forceful pressure. 

His mouth was still attacking your neck, teeth digging in so hard you knew you’d be marked, him pressing himself against your ass and thrusting softly, moaning at the friction. 

"Do you wanna…..?” You managed to choke out between gasps. 

“No. It’s been too long. If I’m inside you Y/N, I’ll come straight away. I just wanna make you feel good for a while.”

Well he was definitely doing that. You shifted your position so you were flat against the bed now, his mouth leaving your neck and his eyes roaming up and down your naked body. 

He was still propped up on his side so you reached your hand out pushing his boxers down. He lifted his hips off the bed helping you. 

He groaned as you wrapped your hand around his length, moving it up and down, swiping your palm across his tip using the silvery droplets that were escaping as lubricant. You moved your other hand to his head, pushing back his hair that was falling forward so you could see his eyes. 

They locked on yours, burning intensely as his adjusted his own hand, pushing one then two fingers inside, you crying out as he began fucking you with his fingers still massaging your now throbbing nerve bundle with his thumb. 

Biting your lip, you rubbed your own thumb across his mouth, stroking his cheek and jaw with your fingers as your other hand increased its momentum on him. His tongue flicked out, lightly licking your thumb, another loud moan catching in his throat as your palm swiped over his head again. His panting increased and you could feel him beginning to tremble. 

He finished first, your name on his lips as hot silky fluid spilled as you pumped up and down on him, wiping your hands on the sheets when he’d shuddered to his finish. 

His own thrusts inside you had slowed as he’d ridden out his orgasm, but now they increased again, his fingers curling inside you causing your hips to lift of the bed as he hit your sweet spot. 

Lowering his mouth to your chest he sucked a nipple between his lips, earning another loud whimper from you. He sucked hard, his teeth grazing and his tongue flicking over your hardened nub. 

Hearing your breathing quicken and feeling your leg start to twitch he pumped faster, curling his fingers again, his thumb now rubbing frantically. 

“Spencer…… Oh fuck. Fuck yes…. ”

You let yourself come undone in his hands, squeezing around his fingers and shuddering through your orgasm, feeling light headed and dizzy by the end. 

Removing his hand, he copied you wiping it on the sheets, before pulling you close to him. 

You wrapped your own arms around him as he held you so tightly it felt like he’d never let go. 

“I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too Spencer.”

“Are we going to be okay?”

You hesitated for a moment, before answering. 

“We’ll be okay as long as you talk to me and remember why we’re together. We love each other Spence, and that means that if either one of us is hurting, we don’t shut the other out. 

We will get through this Spencer. If you start to feel down and like you have been, then tell me. Tomorrow is always a new day, a new start. 

If you have a bad day then we’ll just breathe through it together, until tomorrow.”

….


End file.
